| Jamie's profileRantings and ramblings, ...BlogLists |  Tools  Help |
|
Rantings and ramblings, Direct from my padded cell ~ Jamie's SpaceOr: Why you're a complete f*cktard if you don't do exactly what Jamie says May 21 Austria; Where Hell Meets Communism.First Hitler and now this. Cellar-Rape, the Baby Destroyer. Fuck you, Austria. You'd better give us something good soon, or we're gonna be pissed. I wish Dexter Season 2 would just be given a date to air. Dagnab FX. Curse you, high-quality programmes! My monitor goes weird when my phone's doing stuff. Awesome. I forgot what I was going to say. Hmm... Dew-dew-dew-dew-dew-dew-deeeew. Dew-dew-dew-dew-dew-dew-deeeeeeew! EEHHH! EEHHH-EEHHH-EHHH-EEEHHHH! OH! JACK THOMPSON GOT SUED. AHAHAHAHA FUCK HIM. FUCKING WANKER. May 11 You Didn't Have A Childhood And Your Parents Are Failures.Despite rule 34, fchan, and everything else I've seen in the pit of sickening despair that is The Internet, there was one part of my childhood that remained untainted. Gladiators For those of you who don't know what Gladiators is, please slap yourself across the face RIGHT NOW. Maybe you're straightening your hair and you have very warm pieces of metal and plastic in your hand. Don't care. RIGHT NOW. SLAP YOURSELF. Good. Gladiators was a brilliant show in the nineties that revolved around normal people going up against musclebound demi-gods in contests of speed, skill and general awesome. They had a giant wall, massive metal balls that you rolled around in, hanging rings, a gauntlet, a giant swinging ball, and tennis ball guns. And explosions. And a gruff Scottish referee who argued with a fifty-year old man who acted like a douchebag. It was the best show ever. At the end of all this, was the ELIMINATOR. These poor, batterered little people would jump over and under bars, climb a net, climb a rope, monkey-bar or handbike across a gap, run across spinning, shiny bins, climb another, massive net, slide down a zipline onto a crashmat, go across a balance beam, and the most beautiful modification to a treadmill in history...The Travellator. And as these people clawed their way up this final obstacle, they'd reach the top. The crowd screamed, the music swelled, and it really made you BELIEVE AGAIN. And then it was cancelled. Tonight, Sky One re-launched Gladiators. Only...It wasn't. The new Gladiators look like extras from a terrible porno (seriously, it's all bondage gear and women who should be named Helga and fought in some sort of Viking war), the contestants are pussies (three of them lasted, on average, five seconds in Duel, and two of them lasted about the same in Pendulum), and it's just...Wrong. The arena is tiny, and filled with water. The arena should be massive, filled with red crash mats, crazy obstacles, and more people than could fit into a thousand phone boxes. Even if the phone boxes were really, really big. The commentator is useless. You can barely hear him over the shout of the...Mediocre fans. Scottish Referee is still there, though. The man's a tank. The eliminator? Ruined. It used to be so simply. And now it's not even challenging. You jump in a pool, swim underwater for about three feet, climb a little net, hold onto something (you don't even have to), go across either monkey bars or handbike (the contestants are shit at handbikes as well, they used to be awesome), go down a balance beam (which is ruined), up a pyramid used in the events, down the zipline (not as good), and up The Travellator (seriously downgraded), and finally push through some blocks, as opposed to the paper netting and rope swing. And the music. Oh god, the music. Gladiators had a winning formula. Put normal people against hulking behemoths in extraordinary games to the mocking, yet very catchy, tunes of Queen. And the opening theme. It asked you if you had what it took. The strength, and the skill, the heart to be a winner. It's not for beginners. Deep down in your soul. Are you a Gladiator? Apart from the Eliminator. That music can bring a tear to even the most manly of eyes. It is the musical embodiment of struggle, triumph, and determination. You'd see them fighting all the way, with the commentator shouting over the crowd, the music playing in the background, setting your heart racing. You'd see them fight, sometimes the contestants would win despite their opponent's advantage of a head-start. But it'd all happen at The Travellator. The music swells. You feel your heart rise in your throat, your excitement peaks. They reach the end. At the top of that hill that's moving in the opposite direction lies victory. Adoration. Everything you've ever dreamed of. You're screaming at the TV, willing them on, it's...Beautiful. The music, the fans, the commentary, the whole thing is just perfect. You spend the rest of the night re-enacting the events in your living room. It was like a hug in the form of TV. But they ruined it. The only thing that I've heard of that comes anywhere near close is this. Some of you haven't even seen Gladiators. Andy has made a great betrayal, saying it was shite. He's clearly the master of evil. Summary: Gladiators is fucking awesome and I love it and will always love it. Sky One re-did it and it's now crap. Fuck you, new Gladiators! I may just kill you. Happy birthday. April 16 The Food's Not Bad In Hell.Today I was taken to get a meal. It was displeasurable. My god, I hope you're ready. After ordering from a menu that seemed to be, all at once, stained with blood, semen, pus, tears and the souls of dead babies, the waiting game began. It was a lengthy battle, spanning over an hour. In the time I wasn't juggling cutlery in the hope that I'd either kill myself, escaping this torment (which is unlikely as judging by the age of some of the others there it seems the building traps your eternal soul in an amusementless void of pain and torment, leaving you to experience every waking moment of agonising boredom), or hoping that the flying knives and forks would impale another diner, forcing staff to forcibly remove me, I decided to do some peoplwatching. At 11:30 (the direction, not the time, you cretins), was a set of what can only be described as the lesbian equivalent of Pinky and The Brain. Pinky was one of those lesbians who are attractive, and someone you'd be seen with in public if you knew them. Brain was the stereotypical dyke; a lumbering hambeast of Godzilla-like proportions, devouring Godzilla-like portions of god knows whatever shitchunks were put before her. I assume that's why the food took so long to arrive at my own table - the people doing the cooking were terrified that should they be unable to provide enough food for this mountainous bitch, she would devour her companion, and subsequently everyone else in the vicinity. At another table, around 1 I'd estimate (again, direction, not time), was a rather average-looking couple. A fat woman and a fat bloke, both looking fresh from their menial, minimum-wage "jobs". I paid little notice to them, not wanting to even associate with them visually, until they were joined by another couple. This third couple consisted of another average-looking bloke, accompanied by his manwife, a Thai ladyboy who he must have paid in excess of thirty pence for his confused, sucky-sucky-five-dorrah, manjuice-stained hand in civil partnership. The food itself was quite good, especially considering the place from whence it was spawned can only be described using ancient, long-forgotten words that I can only assume would be found only in the most horrifying and twisted chapters of the Necrominon. Today I ventured into the lowest level of the Thirteen Hells. They do pretty good chicken. February 17 This Is A Very Short Rant.I don't understand piercings. They're rather pointless. It's like actively seeking out a violent mugging. They take your money and stab you. Only without vigilante justice. It's half-term. I went to Town on Saturday. Ayup. January 28 Jamie's Russian Roulette: Ending communism one spin at a time.Another round of bullshit coming up. Woop woop, bitches. Oh god I hope this is funny please do you guys like me yet? Jamie says: RIDE THE BOX! Jamie says: Hey guys, I'm a popular celebrity that the younger generation such as yourselves will recognise, despite my being fifty and looking like a paedophile! Jamie says: Watch as I wow and confuse you with outdated teen slang! Jamie says: Radical! Jack says: OHO Jack says: Zing. Jamie says: So buy my new game, REHASH 900! Jamie says: Unlock challenging achievements such as guessing which celebrity I'm mocking here! Jamie says: Or getting ten thousand points by playing a trap card with a power level of OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAND Jack says: ... Jack says: Your quoting Jamie says: Nupe. Jamie says: Your Quoting was before your time, how do you know about the famous 15th century playwrite? Jamie says: HOW DO YOU KNOW Jack says: Easy Jamie says: C'mon, guess who it was. Jack says: No. Jamie says: You're no fun. Jamie says: Fine, I'll ask the Internet. So I am. Guess! Leave a comment! Please? D : Jamie says: Know what else was laissez-faire? Jamie says: The government in the early nineteenth century! Jamie says: Hah! - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: well - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: this has been informative Jamie says: If you're doing history coursework then I'd've just passed you. - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: unfortunately I'm doing english, but thanks for the hot tip anyway Jamie says: Awesome! Jamie says: 'cha gotta do? - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: speech - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: on ANYTHING - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: it's explain, describe and narrate Jamie says: "Why I'm better than you." Jamie says: "This is a mirror. Look at it. Now look at me. That is all." - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: wow. You really have the coursework shiznit covered Jamie says: Hells yeah! Jamie says: I find leaving it until the last minute helps. Jamie says: I've got English, ICT and Biology to do tonight! Jamie says: For tomorrow! Jamie says: Awesome! Jamie says: And instead of doing it I'm talking shit over the Internet! - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: wow - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: I have so much to learn - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: But, - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: some guy at school told me learning is gay - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: and being gay is morally wrong - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: so I'm affraid I can't learn from you Jamie says: You have about five seconds before my boyfriend kicks the shit out of you. - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: ... - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: I paniced - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: and then made a typo Jamie says: MORAL PANIC ALERT Jamie says: GAY MUSLIM PAEDOPHILE TERRORISTS ARE TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN HOW TO LEARN...WITH VIOLENT MEDIA! - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: have you been reading the daily mail? Jamie says: "The other day, my little Timmy came home and demanded I buy him KillBloodMurderGame 4: The Rapening or he'd bust a cap in my lily white ass!" Jamie says: "Where could he have learned it! I mean, I don't know because I pretty much work all day and have no time to supervise him but I am shocked and outraged that he learned such awful behaviour after I spent £400 on the prequels!" - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: yeah... - Josh. New email: Josh.F-@hotmail.co.uk - *9mil doing coursework D: says: pity Jamie says: Parent and rapper "50 Cent" had this to say. Jamie says: "Man, when my little dawgs come home, I tell 'em to sit their asses down, shut they mouths, and get me a goddamn steak made of gold. That tires 'em out so much, they can't do shit! My chair and my golden cow is at the other side of my mansion, so they carry some heavy shit 'round all day. It also trains 'em fo' when they like me; carryin' 'round eight pounds o' gold on mah neck, where I was shot fourteen times by my milkman, Joe." I hope this was entertaining. I'm sorry if it wasn't. Thanks for your time. December 18 Watch In Amazement As I BLOW YOUR MINDS.
It really is. Following this conversation, my away message told people to address comments, complaints or questions to my avatar. This guy. He came in through a window of oppurtunity, having been cleaning it to an unacceptable standard beforehand. He attempted to take over my company when I returned. I got all up in his face. He told me my breath smelled. I told him he was the one eating tuna fish. And then I drowned him. This sounded better in my head. History based humour is awesome, guys. December 17 Dispatches, Why Have Your Turned Against Me?Well, tonight on 4 there's a programme about the Christmas toys that can kill you. First is magnets! "Chantelle only ate about...12 Magnetix rods...An' it ripped 'er bowels." Really. No way. Magnets attract, guys. There's alot of pictures of magnets in people's stomachs and intestines and whatnot and apparently, and magnets are being swallowed and are injuring people. The attraction forces are too strong and the intestines are ripped apart when the magnets get together. Where do most of these cases occur? AMERICA. Apparently they're contacting people and saying it's a "hazard waiting to happen", and one kid died from septic poisoning when he ate some magnets. Don't complain. Just keep an eye on your goddamn child and teach it that MAGNETS ARE NOT FOOD. THEY ARE SCIENCE. The ENTIRE TOY INDUSTRY should have taken "more drastic action." JUST DON'T FUCKING EAT MAGNETS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. SCIENCE =/= FOOD. FOOD = FOOD. SCIENCE = SCIENCE. DON'T EAT SCIENCE. Die in a goddamn fire, douchewad. They're checking to see if it tells you not to eat them. Why are you so pissed at this. If you're retarded to the extent at which you eat magnets, you won't read the small box on the box. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck yoooooooooou, parents. INTERMISSION. Do I do the paragraph spacing too much? I like things to be neat. Please reply and leave a comment. Thanks! And now back to our regularly scheduled broadcast. Whaaaaat's next. "After the break, find out what poisons and chemicals can KILL YOUR CHILD." Not "might be dangerous if you don't pay attention and your child doesn't know common sense", these things WILL kill your child. Santa will climb through your child's window and shove those magnets down little Timmy's throat. You should sue somebody. Look at this! Counterfeit stuff, etc. This lizard thing is cool, it expands to six times its original size. MY GOD. IF YOU ATE IT IT COULD DO SOME DAMAGE. JUST DON'T FUCKING EAT IT. KICK YOUR CHILD DOWN THE STAIRS TO STOP IT (or not). And the bow and arrow set is dangerous. Holy shit. A weapon? Dangerous? Nahhhh. If you crack open a snowglobe and drink the liquid, it could harm you. Just teach your child not to eat or drink things that are not food or drink. But you're too important, of course, I mean, without you, the Johnson account would go down the pipes! Billy's old enough to learn on his own. Oh, hell. Magnets again soon. We've done nothing to prevent future accidents. Another advert break. INTERMISSION Did you like the picture? I could continue with the pictures in future entries, or even try speaking. I may try that tomorrow, I've study leave. Maybe that's why I'm doing these, I have time off. If by some twist of fate one of my teachers is reading, lay off the homework. Seriously. C'mon. IN AMERICA, A SPATE OF ACCIDENTS HAS FORCED THE GOVERNMENT... I'm getting tired of typing it, you're probably getting tired of reading it. "One death is a death too many." It's called Natural Selection, darling. Keep up. And now she's on about how people didn't know it could kill children before a child died. Why? WHY!? I'LL TELL YOU WHY. THE SPACE AND TIME REFUSE TO TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM. "Pooh Bear...Causes brain damage." Because it has too much lead paint. Nobody would give a shit in the 50s. Damn hippies. Like commies of the sky. December 12 I Return, A Bubbling Crockpot Of Rage.BBC 3. TV SHOW. Remember those blind folks on Channel 4? (Scroll down
and find them), well there's someone BBC 3 right now just like that. Some swollen-ankled hambeast fills the entire screen with her fat, selfish ways. She has depression, and other mental illnesses, and she's crippled. She has carpel tunnel syndrome, preventing her from doing most household chores. It is left to her 12 and 14 year old children to take care of her. They do all of the housework, and basically have to take care of their mother all day, every day. They do everything. Oh, wait. Now she's saying that her treatment is progressing because she can do absolutely fuckall for herself for the next two days so her children have to do everything for the next two. "I have...Seven bits of homework." "Better do some tonight, won't have time tomorrow." "...It's too much pressure..." "You'll cope." The kids have missed school a few times to care for her. How does she repay their seemingly-endless kindness and love? By sitting on her arse, smoking. "Thanks for taking care of every aspect of my life at the sacrifice of your own education and most likely your futures, I'll just be sitting here giving you cancer." What the fuck is wrong with this bitch. Oh, oh. On the topic of social services? "They don't want to know, don't seem to even listen." Like you when your daughter has 7 pieces of homework due and you're expecting her to take care of you. This pisses me off and depresses me and they can't let her do anything because she has no feeling in her hands and could hurt herself without noticing and I'm tired and three exams tomorrow and oh my internal torment it burns. Fucking cuntwank tossarse shitcock fuck fuck fuck hold me. D : THE ENTRY ORIGINALLY ENDED HERE. TAKE NOTE. There's a club for them. The Young Carers Club. One of the kids only looks about 7. They're living off of benefits. The fat bitch isn't even adding up the numbers on her own. The daughter is. They don't have any money now. HEY KIDS GIVE THINGS UP. I WON'T GIVE UP SMOKING OR ANYTHING. FAT COW. Maybe she'll end up suffocating on her flab. That totally was Funkytown, guys. The dog is getting cancer, too. This poor girl. She's trying to talk to her mum and engage her, but she just sits there. She's giving every bit of spare time to help her mum and she's not doing anything. They've struggled with money for years. Bless. It's like group suicide waiting to happen. I pity these children. Though I admire them...The boy is pissed off and the mother's bitching to her mental health worker who left for a few weeks because she's a lazy bint 'cause he was pissed off. Of course he is. He's a teenager, and has no spare time, and what's that? You've got two family packs of Walkers crisps? My god. I don't even know if she's really crippled or just too fat to walk. AND NOW SHE'S DIABETIC. MY FUCKING GOD. "No more breakfast cereals...Might not be able to have a cake for your birthday next week..." Well, actually, they can. You can't. "Why don't they just shoot you now?" the daughter dryly suggests. Well...Maybe? It's her birthday. The daughter is making her a cake. A chocolate cake. ...Hmm...A subtle poisoning attempt? She says she's trying not to put too much on their shoulders, emotionally, they're teenagers and have enough on their minds. It's awful. Did the TV just say she had cancer? I don't think so. I think it was she was over-stressed or something... SHE DOESN'T HAVE DIABETES AFTER ALL. Check you feet. The boy (I think he's called Ryan) missed a quarter of the school year last year. And now he has a mentor and is doing better. The girl (Melissa, I think?) missed 40% or something due to caring and illness. They're very close. ...Rather suspect. Won't let me publish this, click, click, click. Shit cock ass cunt fuck. Godspeed, little carer buddies. Godspeed. <3. There are 175,000 of these kids in the UK. That are known. Thanks for reading. This was dedicated to all those with responsibilities and burdens beyond the call of duty. You're not alone. You are truly heroes. <3. November 22 NEVER AGAIN.I just finished Mansion Of Madness on Timesplitters: Future Perfect. NEVER AGAIN. NEVER. AGAIN. I'm cold and frightened. Hold me. November 05 I Feel Like Writing But Without The Effort.Hey guys I like some music and stuff it's anime themes LOZL. And Phoenix Wright music. And maybe some actual songs, too! WHO WANTS ME TO POST THE CONTENTS OF MY MP3 PLAYER GUYS.. October 29 Back To School Tomorrow.Time to put on my mask and whatnot. Aaaaaangst and whatnot... ...Fuck. I have nothing to put here and whatnot. Bastard. Swearing makes up for things and whatnot. Help. July 07 Holy Hell It's Been Over A Month.Ho'sht. Anyway, it was my birthday on monday. Whoo. Let's try some interactivity. How about you readers dare me to do things. Or ask me to summarise something. Anything. Come on, people. D: Jack: 42. Kate: YouTube would delete it. June 01 Ehh...'m ill. I woke up at 4am, so cold I couldn't feel my legs. I then went to sleep again and became warm. I woke up at about 6:30. I have a headache, a sore throat, and generally feel ill. I watched anime all day. There's nothing on TV tonight. What am I meant to do? Big Brother is on. Nothing else. I'd watch Ugly Betty, but I'm about 10 episodes behind, so I can forget that. Fuck Big Brother. Ideas on how to punish them may come later. May 21 So...Does anybody else really fucking hate "Heelys"? They're those shoes with the wheel at the back, and the people just glide along. They piss me off. Fuck them. May 20 So...Madeline McCann Is Missing.I realise that this is tragic and whatnot, as she's only four. She, along with two other children, were left alone in their hotel room, with patio doors UNLOCKED. The parents would check on them every 30 minutes or so. The hotel had a childcare facility, where people could leave their children to have fun while they had their evening meal. They didn't use this. Also, I find it sickening that she's taken priority. When I was on holiday ('llpostthediarysoon,love.), I saw posters stuck up everywhere appealing for help for a missing child. I've never seen this on the news. I never recieved chain mail about it either. Fuck chain mail with a railway spike. As well as other kidnapped children, how about world hunger, wars, and general bad things. I bet things are still bad where the tsunami hit. And in New Orleans. But we've forgotten about them. Because one, insignificant person is. I hope Madeline is found. But other things take priority. May 11 I Haven't Blogged In A While.Because there's not much to blog about. Well, there is, but few people read it, and I've covered most things that annoy me alot. Suggest things you'd like me to blog about. March 24 Doctor Who Starts Again In A Week.But that's not what this is about. This is about Daylight Savings. What utter bullshit. You can't save daylight. It'll be there for a while, then night shall come. I see no point to putting a clock back and forth once a year. KEEP TIME THE SAME. NOBODY WANTS TO GET UP AN HOUR EARLIER UNLESS THEY'RE AWESOME. And some people want to sleep later. Such as me on a school day. Seriously. Why!? DO YOU JUST WANT SOMETHING EXTRA TO DO IN YOUR DAY!? I bet some people get a huge kick out of it. Marked on calenders and everything. "March 25th, DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!!" in huge red letters, circled so many times it seems that Christmas is going to be surrounded by some sort of blood-ring. And they wait for it. "3 DAYS TO GO! YEEAH!" Those fuckers wait for it like someone waiting for a kidney transplant. It just can't come fast enough. I'm tempted to make a "yo' momma" joke here, but I won't. You can imagine one here, if you want. "Hey, Jim, you set your clocks back!?" "YOU KNOW IT, MAN!" "YEAH!" "YEAH!" "YEAH!" "YEEEEEEEAH!" And so on. Nobody likes the French, but nobody knows why. 300 looks badass. Mr. Bean is awesome. Some black lady was on TV last night. She was a badass. She was like "Fuck these here child protection laws saying I can't hug a sad child or some shit. Some kid's sad and needs a hug, I'll give him one!" And about everything needing consent forms and risk assessments. It annoys me. Seriously. "School trip to the park." "DOES EVERYONE HAVE WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THEIR PARENTS!?" "Yes..." "Alright. Now, don't go near the grass, sun, sand, play equipment, trees, leaves, or anything else that's dangerous." I'M SECRETLY GAY. END TRANSMISSION. March 19 I Don't Get This Advert."Sexually transmitted infections are spreading fast. You never know who's got one. Condom: Essential Wear." Alright, you may think that's sensible. How about an advert that says "DON'T FUCK RANDOM PEOPLE, IDIOTS." ? Seriously. Don't you people know anything!? My Mind Is A Frightening Place.First thought as I got off of the bus today? "I wonder what it would be like if I was made entirely of butter..." I'm awesome. My headphones are broken. This makes me a sad panda. Also, Viva Piñata.Les is so awesome. |
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Send a private message
Tell a friend
Add to My MSN
Add to your network
Sign up for alerts
*** "I wish I:
says:
|
|
