Despite rule 34, fchan, and everything else I've seen in the pit of sickening despair that is The Internet, there was one part of my childhood that remained untainted.

Gladiators


For those of you who don't know what Gladiators is, please slap yourself across the face RIGHT NOW. Maybe you're straightening your hair and you have very warm pieces of metal and plastic in your hand. Don't care. RIGHT NOW. SLAP YOURSELF.

Good.

Gladiators was a brilliant show in the nineties that revolved around normal people going up against musclebound demi-gods in contests of speed, skill and general awesome. They had a giant wall, massive metal balls that you rolled around in, hanging rings, a gauntlet, a giant swinging ball, and tennis ball guns. And explosions. And a gruff Scottish referee who argued with a fifty-year old man who acted like a douchebag. It was the best show ever.

At the end of all this, was the ELIMINATOR. These poor, batterered little people would jump over and under bars, climb a net, climb a rope, monkey-bar or handbike across a gap, run across spinning, shiny bins, climb another, massive net, slide down a zipline onto a crashmat, go across a balance beam, and the most beautiful modification to a treadmill in history...The Travellator. And as these people clawed their way up this final obstacle, they'd reach the top.
The crowd screamed, the music swelled, and it really made you BELIEVE AGAIN. And then it was cancelled.


Tonight, Sky One re-launched Gladiators. Only...It wasn't.

The new Gladiators look like extras from a terrible porno (seriously, it's all bondage gear and women who should be named Helga and fought in some sort of Viking war), the contestants are pussies (three of them lasted, on average, five seconds in Duel, and two of them lasted about the same in Pendulum), and it's just...Wrong.

The arena is tiny, and filled with water. The arena should be massive, filled with red crash mats, crazy obstacles, and more people than could fit into a thousand phone boxes. Even if the phone boxes were really, really big.

The commentator is useless. You can barely hear him over the shout of the...Mediocre fans. Scottish Referee is still there, though. The man's a tank.

The eliminator? Ruined. It used to be so simply. And now it's not even challenging. You jump in a pool, swim underwater for about three feet, climb a little net, hold onto something (you don't even have to), go across either monkey bars or handbike (the contestants are shit at handbikes as well, they used to be awesome), go down a balance beam (which is ruined), up a pyramid used in the events, down the zipline (not as good), and up The Travellator (seriously downgraded), and finally push through some blocks, as opposed to the paper netting and rope swing.

And the music. Oh god, the music.

Gladiators had a winning formula. Put normal people against hulking behemoths in extraordinary games to the mocking, yet very catchy, tunes of Queen. And the opening theme. It asked you if you had what it took. The strength, and the skill, the heart to be a winner. It's not for beginners. Deep down in your soul. Are you a Gladiator?

Apart from the Eliminator. That music can bring a tear to even the most manly of eyes. It is the musical embodiment of struggle, triumph, and determination. You'd see them fighting all the way, with the commentator shouting over the crowd, the music playing in the background, setting your heart racing. You'd see them fight, sometimes the contestants would win despite their opponent's advantage of a head-start. But it'd all happen at The Travellator.

The music swells. You feel your heart rise in your throat, your excitement peaks. They reach the end. At the top of that hill that's moving in the opposite direction lies victory. Adoration. Everything you've ever dreamed of. You're screaming at the TV, willing them on, it's...Beautiful.

The music, the fans, the commentary, the whole thing is just perfect.

You spend the rest of the night re-enacting the events in your living room. It was like a hug in the form of TV.


But they ruined it. The only thing that I've heard of that comes anywhere near close is this.
Some of you haven't even seen Gladiators. Andy has made a great betrayal, saying it was shite.

He's clearly the master of evil.


Summary: Gladiators is fucking awesome and I love it and will always love it. Sky One re-did it and it's now crap. Fuck you, new Gladiators! I may just kill you.


Happy birthday.

I don't understand piercings.

They're rather pointless.



It's like actively seeking out a violent mugging. They take your money and stab you.

Only without vigilante justice.


It's half-term.

I went to Town on Saturday.

Ayup.

Well, tonight on 4 there's a programme about the Christmas toys that can kill you.

First is magnets! "Chantelle only ate about...12 Magnetix rods...An' it ripped 'er bowels." Really. No way.

Magnets attract, guys. There's alot of pictures of magnets in people's stomachs and intestines and whatnot and apparently, and magnets are being swallowed and are injuring people. The attraction forces are too strong and the intestines are ripped apart when the magnets get together.

Where do most of these cases occur? AMERICA.

Apparently they're contacting people and saying it's a "hazard waiting to happen", and one kid died from septic poisoning when he ate some magnets.

Don't complain. Just keep an eye on your goddamn child and teach it that MAGNETS ARE NOT FOOD. THEY ARE SCIENCE.

The ENTIRE TOY INDUSTRY should have taken "more drastic action."

JUST DON'T FUCKING EAT MAGNETS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. SCIENCE =/= FOOD. FOOD = FOOD. SCIENCE = SCIENCE. DON'T EAT SCIENCE.

Die in a goddamn fire, douchewad.

They're checking to see if it tells you not to eat them. Why are you so pissed at this. If you're retarded to the extent at which you eat magnets, you won't read the small box on the box. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck yoooooooooou, parents.

---

INTERMISSION.

Do I do the paragraph spacing too much? I like things to be neat. Please reply and leave a comment. Thanks! And now back to our regularly scheduled broadcast.

---

Whaaaaat's next. "After the break, find out what poisons and chemicals can KILL YOUR CHILD." Not "might be dangerous if you don't pay attention and your child doesn't know common sense", these things WILL kill your child. Santa will climb through your child's window and shove those magnets down little Timmy's throat. You should sue somebody.

Look at this!

Counterfeit stuff, etc. This lizard thing is cool, it expands to six times its original size. MY GOD. IF YOU ATE IT IT COULD DO SOME DAMAGE.

JUST DON'T FUCKING EAT IT. KICK YOUR CHILD DOWN THE STAIRS TO STOP IT (or not). And the bow and arrow set is dangerous. Holy shit. A weapon? Dangerous? Nahhhh.

If you crack open a snowglobe and drink the liquid, it could harm you. Just teach your child not to eat or drink things that are not food or drink. But you're too important, of course, I mean, without you, the Johnson account would go down the pipes! Billy's old enough to learn on his own.


Oh, hell. Magnets again soon. We've done nothing to prevent future accidents. Another advert break.

---

INTERMISSION

Did you like the picture? I could continue with the pictures in future entries, or even try speaking. I may try that tomorrow, I've study leave.

Maybe that's why I'm doing these, I have time off. If by some twist of fate one of my teachers is reading, lay off the homework. Seriously. C'mon.

---

IN AMERICA, A SPATE OF ACCIDENTS HAS FORCED THE GOVERNMENT...

I'm getting tired of typing it, you're probably getting tired of reading it.

"One death is a death too many."
It's called Natural Selection, darling. Keep up.

And now she's on about how people didn't know it could kill children before a child died.

Why? WHY!? I'LL TELL YOU WHY. THE SPACE AND TIME REFUSE TO TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.

"Pooh Bear...Causes brain damage."
Because it has too much lead paint.

Nobody would give a shit in the 50s.

Damn hippies. Like commies of the sky.

BBC 3. TV SHOW. Remember those blind folks on Channel 4? (Scroll down and find them), well there's someone BBC 3 right now just like that.

Some swollen-ankled hambeast fills the entire screen with her fat, selfish ways.

She has depression, and other mental illnesses, and she's crippled. She has carpel tunnel syndrome, preventing her from doing most household chores.

It is left to her 12 and 14 year old children to take care of her. They do all of the housework, and basically have to take care of their mother all day, every day.

They do everything. Oh, wait. Now she's saying that her treatment is progressing because she can do absolutely fuckall for herself for the next two days so her children have to do everything for the next two.

"I have...Seven bits of homework."
"Better do some tonight, won't have time tomorrow."
"...It's too much pressure..."
"You'll cope."

The kids have missed school a few times to care for her.

How does she repay their seemingly-endless kindness and love? By sitting on her arse, smoking.

"Thanks for taking care of every aspect of my life at the sacrifice of your own education and most likely your futures, I'll just be sitting here giving you cancer."

What the fuck is wrong with this bitch.

Oh, oh. On the topic of social services? "They don't want to know, don't seem to even listen."

Like you when your daughter has 7 pieces of homework due and you're expecting her to take care of you.


This pisses me off and depresses me and they can't let her do anything because she has no feeling in her hands and could hurt herself without noticing and I'm tired and three exams tomorrow and oh my internal torment it burns.

Fucking cuntwank tossarse shitcock fuck fuck fuck hold me. D :

THE ENTRY ORIGINALLY ENDED HERE. TAKE NOTE.

There's a club for them. The Young Carers Club. One of the kids only looks about 7.

They're living off of benefits. The fat bitch isn't even adding up the numbers on her own. The daughter is. They don't have any money now. HEY KIDS GIVE THINGS UP. I WON'T GIVE UP SMOKING OR ANYTHING. FAT COW. Maybe she'll end up suffocating on her flab.

That totally was Funkytown, guys.

The dog is getting cancer, too. This poor girl. She's trying to talk to her mum and engage her, but she just sits there. She's giving every bit of spare time to help her mum and she's not doing anything. They've struggled with money for years. Bless.

It's like group suicide waiting to happen. I pity these children. Though I admire them...The boy is pissed off and the mother's bitching to her mental health worker who left for a few weeks because she's a lazy bint 'cause he was pissed off. Of course he is. He's a teenager, and has no spare time, and what's that? You've got two family packs of Walkers crisps? My god. I don't even know if she's really crippled or just too fat to walk. AND NOW SHE'S DIABETIC. MY FUCKING GOD. "No more breakfast cereals...Might not be able to have a cake for your birthday next week..." Well, actually, they can. You can't.

"Why don't they just shoot you now?" the daughter dryly suggests. Well...Maybe? It's her birthday. The daughter is making her a cake. A chocolate cake. ...Hmm...A subtle poisoning attempt?

She says she's trying not to put too much on their shoulders, emotionally, they're teenagers and have enough on their minds.

It's awful.

Did the TV just say she had cancer? I don't think so. I think it was she was over-stressed or something...

SHE DOESN'T HAVE DIABETES AFTER ALL. Check you feet.

The boy (I think he's called Ryan) missed a quarter of the school year last year. And now he has a mentor and is doing better. The girl (Melissa, I think?) missed 40% or something due to caring and illness. They're very close. ...Rather suspect.

Won't let me publish this, click, click, click. Shit cock ass cunt fuck.

Godspeed, little carer buddies. Godspeed. <3. There are 175,000 of these kids in the UK. That are known.

Thanks for reading. This was dedicated to all those with responsibilities and burdens beyond the call of duty. You're not alone. You are truly heroes. <3.

Does anybody else really fucking hate "Heelys"?

They're those shoes with the wheel at the back, and the people just glide along.

They piss me off.

Fuck them.

I realise that this is tragic and whatnot, as she's only four.

She, along with two other children, were left alone in their hotel room, with patio doors UNLOCKED.

The parents would check on them every 30 minutes or so.

The hotel had a childcare facility, where people could leave their children to have fun while they had their evening meal. They didn't use this.

Also, I find it sickening that she's taken priority. When I was on holiday ('llpostthediarysoon,love.), I saw posters stuck up everywhere appealing for help for a missing child. I've never seen this on the news.

I never recieved chain mail about it either. Fuck chain mail with a railway spike.

As well as other kidnapped children, how about world hunger, wars, and general bad things.

I bet things are still bad where the tsunami hit. And in New Orleans. But we've forgotten about them. Because one, insignificant person is.

I hope Madeline is found.

But other things take priority.

But that's not what this is about.
This is about Daylight Savings.


What utter bullshit.
You can't save daylight. It'll be there for a while, then night shall come.

I see no point to putting a clock back and forth once a year.

KEEP TIME THE SAME. NOBODY WANTS TO GET UP AN HOUR EARLIER UNLESS THEY'RE AWESOME.
And some people want to sleep later. Such as me on a school day.

Seriously. Why!? DO YOU JUST WANT SOMETHING EXTRA TO DO IN YOUR DAY!?

I bet some people get a huge kick out of it. Marked on calenders and everything.

"March 25th, DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!!" in huge red letters, circled so many times it seems that Christmas is going to be surrounded by some sort of blood-ring.

And they wait for it. "3 DAYS TO GO! YEEAH!" Those fuckers wait for it like someone waiting for a kidney transplant. It just can't come fast enough.
I'm tempted to make a "yo' momma" joke here, but I won't. You can imagine one here, if you want.

"Hey, Jim, you set your clocks back!?"
"YOU KNOW IT, MAN!"
"YEAH!"
"YEAH!"
"YEAH!"
"YEEEEEEEAH!"
And so on.


Nobody likes the French, but nobody knows why.
300 looks badass.
Mr. Bean is awesome.


Some black lady was on TV last night. She was a badass. She was like "Fuck these here child protection laws saying I can't hug a sad child or some shit. Some kid's sad and needs a hug, I'll give him one!"

And about everything needing consent forms and risk assessments. It annoys me. Seriously.

"School trip to the park."
"DOES EVERYONE HAVE WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THEIR PARENTS!?"
"Yes..."
"Alright. Now, don't go near the grass, sun, sand, play equipment, trees, leaves, or anything else that's dangerous."



I'M SECRETLY GAY.

END TRANSMISSION.

"Sexually transmitted infections are spreading fast. You never know who's got one.

Condom: Essential Wear."


Alright, you may think that's sensible.


How about an advert that says "DON'T FUCK RANDOM PEOPLE,  IDIOTS." ?

Seriously.

Don't you people know anything!?

And I don't like them.

They're on channel 4. Between 9 and 10pm today. GO, GO, GO.

Okay.


The parents are blind. One cannot see without a magnifying glass, the other must be within a foot of something to see it clearly.
The eldest child, who is about 11, possibly 12, takes care of her younger siblings. There are 6 children. I think this is horrible.

She is 11. She should not be taking care of 5 younger children. What's worse? The mother is expecting another child.
The father says that he wants his children to have loving parents, and grow up in a nice manner.
Their house is a mess.
The parents cannot, or is it will not, help.
And they're ugly, too. But that's not really the point.
The parents smoke.
Both of them.
You're already nearly blind. Trying to go all the way? And take your children with you? Trying to kill them off? At least have the decency to go outside, you inconsiderate bastards.

Let's fast-forward three or four years.

The girl is doing her GCSEs.
The parents sight has worsened.
The children have asthma and various other things, due to the smoking.
The fuckers are just talking about how they started smoking around the time THEY WERE PREGNANT WITH ONE OF THEIR FUCKING CHILDREN.
I think we need a mercy angel.
Anyway...Harsh, perhaps. But...Hey...What are you suggesting?

Back to the future.
The eldest child needs to juggle her Homework, Coursework, School, Social Life, and looking after 7, maybe 8 or 9 by this time, children.


It is fucking inconsiderate.

It is fucking cruel.

It is fucking horrible.


The children will be mature beyond their years, and unable to function properly in society.

Consider this.
If you attacked them, they wouldn't get a good look at your face. They can't see the weapon until it's a foot away.

I would seriously consider this.


One of the children tried to fucking KILL THEMSELVES OVER THE PRESSURE OF ATTEMPTING TO TAKE CARE OF HER YOUNGER SIBLINGS. AT AGE FUCKING 8 OR SOME SHIT.

These people disgust me.
These people sicken me.
These are not people.
I don't know how to end this.
This could take a while.
Fuck.

Edit: On the show, they were talking of someone hanging themself from their bunkbed.
        Most likely their previous eldest child.


What the fuck.

MERRY CHRISTMA-No.

Christmas is an offensive word. It offends other cultures! It offends people who are not Christians!
Fuck you.
I don't give a shit if it offends you. If you don't like Christmas, and you want it changed, don't complain! We let you live here, don't we? If you don't like it, either shut up and take it, rant about it like I do,
OR GO BACK TO YOUR WAR-TORN COUNTRY.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. I like doing that.

What's worse? PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY LISTENING.
It's going to be called "Winter Festival", or some other similar-tasting bullshit.
And there'll be "Winter Trees", and "Winter Lights", and "Winter Presents", and all of that other shit.
NO.
LET CHRISTMAS BE CHRISTMAS.
THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ARE ALREADY REDUCED TO CANDLES AND TREES.
WE NO LONGER HAVE SANTA.
OR REINDEER.
OR ANYTHING CHRISTMAS-RELATED APART FROM THE TREES.
NO STOCKINGS EITHER.
AND THE COLA ADVERT WITH THE TRUCKS IS GONE.
SO IS THE TOYS 'R' US ADVERT!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

I DON'T THINK THIS WAS A GOOD RANT AND IT WASN'T FUNNY.

Christmas has fucked me up, and it will continue to, I'm sure. But hey, fuck it. I don't care.

Half a day or school left.
Hey, readers, though you may be VERY few in number.
Tell your friends...
2SEEEEEENSE.
Muffins.

Goodnight.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Rant tomorrow.

Edit: It was not tomorrow.

I'm watching "Help Me Help My Child".
It's about Anorexia this week.
Some girl with Anorexia just said "I just want to be more normal!" while bursting into tears.
You want to be normal?
FUCKING. EAT. SOMETHING.

"I'm going to pull your skeleton out through your anus."
Lewis sighed. It was a long journey. Karl had been miming this action for several minutes.
"Would you just stop it?"
"No." He mimed it again.
"Stop it!" He lashed out, aiming a kick at his groin.
"Haha, too slow." Karl stole the shoe.
"Give it back."
"No."
This was going to be a long bus ride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Lewis has logged on.
~Karl has logged on.
Lewis Says:
Hi.
Karl Says:
Hi.
Lewis Says:
...
Karl Says:
?
Lewis Says:
...Could we...Go somewhere?
Karl Says:
...?
Lewis Says:
I have something I need to say.
Karl Says:
OK. Meet next to the school.
~Karl has logged off.
~Lewis has logged off.

~~~~~~~~~~

"So...What is it you wanted to tell me?"
"....."
"What?"
"Well..."
"Hurry up, or I'm going home."
"I love you."
"...What?"
"...I said I loved you...Are...Are you mad?"
He threw him against the wall, holding him up by his collar.
"What the fuck!?  You're gay!? And you fancy me!?  Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you."
"No...Please...I'm sorry!"
"You...I'll fucking kill y-"
Lewis' head darted forwards. Their lips connected. The kiss lasted but moments.
"Then I can die happy."
A disgusted look was his reply.
"Not yet, you won't." Karl said. He moved forward slowly. They kissed again, with more passion this time.
"What...I thought..."
"I don't know...Just shut up...Let me think! JUST FUCKING GO AWAY!" Karl screamed, running back in the direction of his house.
Lewis sighed. What had just happened? He re-adjusted his collar, and walked off slowly.
Was this only the beginning? Or the end?

---

Yes. You are fucking traumatised now.
Karl and Lewis, if you read this, you just got owned, and I'm sorry.
It was inspired by the bus ride today.
Lmao.
Don't worry, I'm mentally scarred as well.


Coming tomorrow: The Rant.

Wow. TV has really hit rock bottom. This show is utter, total, and complete BULLSHEETZ. Sure, why not.

"You're a complete slut! You'll be date-raped several times, and be a leech on society! HAVE A FUCKING AWARD, YOU FILTHY, FILTHY WHORE!!"


Yep. That's the show's philosophy!

'kay. Let's hear the [S]Sluts[/S] [S]Chavs[/S] girls side of the story.

"I didn't know I could get pregnant first time."
That's because you didn't go to school, you were too busy fucking around with your longest-ever boyfriend of a whole two days.


"I thought a baby would be cute..."
Yeah. Everyone's just dying to have a little crying whine-sack full of vomit, shit and spittle that doubles as an alarm clock! But you can't set it! It goes off anytime! 2am, 4:36am! Any time!



Hey, what else? They lack basic knowledge of babies. One was holding the baby with it's head tilted back. Yeeah...At last check, that killed babies. You're horribly under-qualified, kid.

Hell, you got pregnant with someone who was your boyfriend for about a week, a month at most, I bet. That's stupid. I believe the move that was pulled on you is known as the "Fuck An' Run!". You're living on the Dole, and unloading the children off on your poor families while you're off shoving your tongue down another shithead's throat. Society should not have to support you.


The show is designed to piss me off.



Also, what's this shit I hear about the government banning Conkers? BULLSHEETZ.

It's dangerous. Yes. So is breathing. You could inhale second hand smoke and get cancer. You could die crossing the street. Hell, let's ban being alive. That way you can't die.


Anyway, I'm out, bitches. 'Til next time.

THE WAIT IS OVER! THE RANT IS HERE! GET READY! HERE WE GO!

 

And sorry for the delay, too. My Queen rant will have to wait until next year, I'm afraid. =\

 

The following blog may contain controversial material, and if you are supporting England in the World Cup, you may find it offensive. You have been warned.

 

 

 

The World Cup. One of the great pinnacles of sport, athleticism, friendship, competition, and stupidity. Well, mostly the latter. Many things about it piss me off. To start off with...Let's meet...

 

The Players

 

 

Stop with the damn glorification. Football players are overpaid, overglorified sleazeballs. Wow, you can kick a ball? So can I! And so can a three year old who can't speak or stand up for more than 30 seconds under it's own power. Fuck you.

 

How to become a professional football celebrity:

 

• In school, should you actually go at some point, do not pay attention, or skip lessons to play football.

"hu nedz nglsh a cn spk it alredy lyk fuk dat itz gay".

 

• Be a complete jackass: swear at referees, start fights with opposing players, and throw things at fans.
• Off the pitch, get "fkn wastd" and sleep with random whores. This is guaranteed publicity.
• Have affairs, and name your children obscurely. "Mango", "Ohio" and "Bump" and all acceptable. If any babies are named this, I will know well known people visit my blog. Huzzah.

 

This does not apply to all players. Most of them are nice people, I'm sure. But the minority seriously piss me off.

 

How do they find these people, anyway? Probably find them kicking a ball at small children with a can of cheap lager in hand.

 

“Can you play football?”

“am fkn gr8 lyk m8”

“Great! Here’s your £5000 million!”

 

 

Goddamnit.

 

 

Edit: Also, it annoys me that they are idolised by children. Kids should have idols who worked hard, and got rich because of their intelligence, not their ability to kick a ball. Children do not need idols who spit on the ground every 30 seconds. What, do they lack the ability to swallow? How do they eat?

 

Fuck you, you saliva spewing bags of stupid.

 

Support:

 

I don't like the people who are supporting England in the World Cup. Okay, maybe we do have the best midfield we have had for years, maybe we do have a good chance, but we've lost 10 times in a row. I help illustrate our loss, I have included a song. The song will be featured later on in the entry.

 

Okay, so you're supporting England. There is no need to hang flags on your house, on your car, on your shirt, and paint your face in the colours. Stop it. I don't care. Buying the "official England toaster 2006" does not make you more of a fan. It makes you more of a dipshit with more money than sense. Go shove that toaster down your throat. It'll save you getting up for something to eat during the matches. How 'bout that.

 

Going back to the topic of flags...Why is it the flags have "ENGLAND" in the middle? Are you all that stupid? Do you forget who you're supporting? You can just imagine at the games. "COME ON...Erm...*Looks at flag* ENGLAND!"

 

Idiots. Here's the song which illustrates how stupid you are to support England. Sure, I have no problem with it, just don't rub it in my face with your little flags.

 

The song is a tad suckish at the start, as it was done in music, and we were meant to do a positive song. Hell no. XD

 

 

INTRO

Eng-a-land, England, England,

Eng-a-land, England, England,

Eng-a-land, England, England,

Eng-a-land, England, England,

VERSE 1

Our players step out onto the grass,

They’re here to play football and kick ass,

They’re here to work, they’re here to play,

I bet at least half of them are secretly gay,

Hopes are high that we’ll win the cup!

But at the end of the day, the game is up,

We won’t win in Germany,

We’re gonna lose to a team that speaks Portuguese!

CHORUS

We won’t win the World Cup!

In France or Germany.

Or in any other country!

Oh can’t you see?

We’re total rubbish at football,

That’s the reality!

We’ll never win the World Cup!

That’s the reality.

VERSE 2

They’ll return disappointed with broken toes,

They were kicked in the face; a bloody nose,

The fans will scream and boo them half to death,

Their only excuse is that they’re not perfect,

They’re back on home soil and they’re covered in mud,

And sweat, and tears, and booze and blood,

They’ve failed the fans, their whole life’s a lie,

But at least we can try again next time!

CHORUS

 

 

 

And there’s my song. The last verse isn’t done, I’m aware, I got about halfway through it, then couldn’t think of anymore rhymes. So screw you.

 

The Supporters

 

Football fans. I dislike you. Despise, even. I realise some people are just casual fans, but quite a lot of them are drunken, idiotic arseblocks. The World Cup has been strategically placed in Germany, as to capture and imprison as many fuckwits they can. The location is sure to invoke swastikas being painted onto fans’ bodies, and shouts of “ZIG HEIL!!!” being screeched at every opportunity. Hopefully, half the population of England will be in German prisons. Then maybe I’ll be able to hurl knives down streets without hitting several people and breaking several laws.

Nah, I’m kidding. That can wait until I have shuriken to throw. Anyway, in conclusion, most football supporters are drunken asswads. ^_^

 

 

The Press Coverage

 

This really pisses me off. Boy, they sure picked a bad time for Big Brother, didn’t they? Hell, people are so distracted by the World Cup, people don’t care much about Big Brother! *ZOMG*.

Even though I dislike Big Brother, I hate the World Cup. And Pete, the guy with Tourette’s is feckin’ awesome. Go Pete. Oh yeah.

Anyway, the press coverage really annoys me. Nothing is on TV apart from the countless games, nothing in the newspapers apart from how someone got injured, and is being flown home for tests and shit, yo. I want to watch my shows that are usually on. Not Outer Yugoslavia and Czecho-Republica-Switzerden kicking a ball around for two hours or so. Screw that, hooooo!

 

The Aftermath

We’ve lost again. The nation is depressed. People despise me for being right. The referee was blind. The players were injured. Everything went wrong. And I stand above them. And state: “LISTEN TO ME, DAMNIT!”

 

 

 

The point is, we’re going to lose. Should we win, you may have one minute in which to mock me.

 

 

 

Rant over, hope you enjoyed it.

 

 

It's also my birthday in a week. Please wish me a happy birthday! ^_^